People tell me how well I’m holding up during my daughter’s critical illness. If they only knew the truth.
My biggest challenge in remaining strong during all of this has been the utter loss of control. Control over what’s happening. Control over what will happen. Control over my environment. Loss of most sense of normalcy. It has taken me awhile to realize that I do still have some control, mostly over what I focus on. For a long time, I focused on what I couldn’t control and all of the terrible things that could happen…it was driving me crazy. I got to a pretty bad place before I realized I’d better change it, for my sake and for my family’s.
I’m a planner–a euphemism for a control freak–but in a crisis, you can’t plan. Anything. Only when I hit the wall did I figure out that my strength was really my weakness in a crisis. I am working on developing a new muscle of focusing on what is good, right now, today. It’s a challenge for someone too used to living for tomorrow, but I can already see the upside. My girls see a difference: I am more present with them. I spend less time with my eyes glued to technology. I’m not taking small moments for granted. And, in those small moments of presence, I have found happiness.
“The most important lesson that I have learned is to trust God in every circumstance. Lots of times we go through different trials, and following God’s plan seems like it doesn’t make any sense at all. God is always in control, and He will never leave us.” –Allyson Felix