I was obnoxious, and I feel badly about it. I mean that I recently had a day when I was, but I also mean that I had a couple of decades where I could be. Looking back, I got the feedback but rationalized it away. I told myself I was producing results, and that was what mattered.
There’s a lot I’d like to do over, including this most recent day. I learned from an observant team member that’s my mode when I’m stressed. That was the case that day, plus I’d skipped the treadmill that morning, something I rarely do. I’m way more balanced than I’ve ever been before in my life with the calm that comes with it, but I still flare up sometimes. With the perspective of time, days like this one are like watching a horror movie in slow motion. The memories of all those years play back, no longer fresh, but newly horrifying as the reality of what they must have been brought into sharp view by the current mirror.
A leader I just met told me she could already tell some things about me, including that I’m hard on myself. I know this and tell myself that one stressed out day does not reflect who I am. I tell myself that, but I find it hard to listen. I suppose that’s the point. The only consolation I have is that I’ve learned. I’m a better leader and a better person now, though I am clearly not through with my journey. Today I will smile and be positive. Today I will add one more day to the walk away from who I was and toward who I am becoming.
“All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” –Ellen Glasgow