When I shared a health concern on my latest blog a few days ago, I didn’t realize I would get news so soon. And mostly good news. After an un-fun test involving a hospital stay this weekend, my results came back clean. The funny part was the nurse, my mother, and my husband all had to tell me the good news was good. I wasn’t as positive because I am still left with a mystery on what’s causing my symptoms. My reaction made me realize that in a way I’d have actually been more comfortable with a negative result, because at least then I’d have known what to do. That I’m a control freak was not exactly a self-revelation, however; I’ve lived with that knowledge for a long time.
I’ll keep working with my doctor to figure out what’s going on, but she had warned me at the beginning that we may never know. I had dismissed that then, as we live in a time of such medical advances that we assume modern medicine can diagnose and often cure most anything that we get. But the reality is of course different. We all have a limited time here, and it can change instantly. A new friend, recently talking about work/life balance, told me about suddenly losing her father as a child. That significant event affected her worldview, embedding a deep and permanent understanding that we are all here temporarily. She uses that knowledge to keep her grounded in how she prioritizes her life. I admire her.
So I will remind myself to be grateful for my good news and to not spend time fretting over the unknown. I am now back to the general human condition–not knowing what is next or how long I have. I have always been an optimist, so I will assume I will see my great-grandkids. And I will be grateful, control freak that I am, that I do not know what is ahead.
“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” –Vaclav Havel